If I Don’t Do It Myself, It Doesn’t Get Done - Her Side

A multi-part blog series highlighting the mental load women feel being the household CEO while their neurospicy partner says, "Just tell me what to do!" This series tackles the frustration, the fights, the endless to do list and the love (and gainfully employed individual and couples therapists) that keeps everyone together.

When "Just Tell Me What to Do" Feels Like Another Job

There’s a special kind of exhaustion that comes from carrying the weight of an entire household on your back. Not just the dishes, the laundry and the grocery list—but the invisible labor of remembering it all. Keeping track of school forms, scheduling doctor’s appointments and knowing exactly when we’re about to run out of toilet paper.

And then, just when you're about to crumble under the weight of it all, your well-meaning but easily distracted husband turns to you and says:

"Just tell me what you need me to do."

Cue the deep, weary sigh. Because we both know what happens next.

Who Am I?

Hi! I’m MacKenzie, your Self-Care Mompanion. I’m a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and owner of Follow Your Arrow Counseling, LLC. I specialize in working with Moms and Therapist Moms who are stressed out, overwhelmed and not taking care of themselves as well as they take care of everyone else. Being a Mom is hard. There are some days I really don’t like it, to be honest. Thank goodness there are other moments when my daughter tells me I’m her best friend that make up for all the crappy days.

Join me as we walk this road of motherhood together. It truly takes a village to raise our kids and maintain our sanity.

The Frustration Loop 

I hesitate to answer him. Not because I don’t want help, but because I know how this goes. If I rattle off a to-do list, it turns into a task-by-task negotiation. If I tell him something simple—"Can you just clean the kitchen?"—I’ll later find the dishes done, but the counters still sticky, the trash empty, but no new bag and the floor still littered with crumbs. If I get specific, I feel like a micromanager and nag. If I don’t, I just end up redoing half of it myself. I don’t have time for this.

Then, when I finally can’t take it anymore and I say something, it turns into an argument. Because in his mind, he is helping. He’s confused as to why what he has done isn’t “good enough.” He’s frustrated and starts saying how nothing he does is “right” and he’s a “bad” husband. And he’s feeling unappreciated for what he has done to help. 

In my mind, I’m exhausted, resentful, and wondering why I have to hold his hand through every. single. thing. I feel like he’s another child sometimes. 

And that’s how we find ourselves stuck in this cycle:

• I carry the mental load.

• I get overwhelmed.

• He asks me what to do.

• I don’t know how to answer in a way that won’t cause conflict.

• I either say nothing (and seethe) or explain what I need (and feel like a bitch for making him feel bad and being a nag).

• He gets defensive and down on himself (which seems ridiculous to me).

• Rinse and repeat.

The Relationship Toll

At first, it’s just frustrating. Annoying. A source of irritation. But over time, it starts to chip away at the foundation of our relationship.

Resentment builds. Because it doesn’t feel fair. Because I don’t want to be the one who notices everything, plans everything, and delegates everything. I want to feel like I have a true partner, not another person to manage.

Loneliness creeps in. Because it starts to feel like I’m in this alone, even though I technically have a spouse who wants to help. And because even when we talk about it, we don’t really get anywhere—it’s the same conversation over and over again.

Intimacy fades. Because it’s hard to feel connected when you’re resentful. It’s hard to feel affectionate when you feel like the only adult in the room. And it’s hard to want to be close to someone when your dynamic feels more like a struggling manager-employee relationship than an equal partnership.

It’s not just about chores. It’s about the emotional weight of always being the responsible one. It’s about how exhausting it is to carry the load alone—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

When ADHD Meets Mental Load

Throw ADHD into the mix, and this dynamic becomes even more complicated. My husband wants to help, but executive functioning is not his strong suit. He doesn’t see the mess the way I do. His brain struggles to categorize and prioritize. He needs structure and clarity, but I don’t have the bandwidth to provide a step-by-step breakdown every single day.

It’s not that he won’t help—it’s that he genuinely struggles with knowing how. Meanwhile, I’m drowning in responsibilities, and I don’t have the energy to be a project manager on top of everything else.

So, what’s the solution?

Stay tuned for Part 2, where we’ll hear the other side of the argument. I asked my husband to weigh in on this topic because yes, this also comes up in our home.

In later pieces, we’ll break down strategies for shifting out of this frustrating dynamic—without turning every conversation into an argument. The goal isn’t just getting stuff done—it’s finding a way to share the load in a way that doesn’t leave us both exhausted and resentful.