“I Want to Help… But My Brain’s on Fire”: ADHD, Relationships and Pulling Your Weight Without Burning Out
Part 3 in a multi-part blog series highlighting the mental load women feel being the household CEO while their neurospicy partner says, "Just tell me what to do!" This series tackles the frustration, the fights, the endless to do list and the love (and gainfully employed individual and couples therapists) that keeps everyone together.
Dr. Jennifer Ritchie is a Licensed Psychologist and the founder of Gateway Behavioral Health Consultants, LLC, based in St. Louis, Missouri.
She earned her doctorate in clinical psychology in 2015 and brings not only her clinical expertise but also her lived experience as someone with ADHD and anxiety. Because of that, she deeply understands how powerful it can be to find support that actually gets you—the kind that leaves you feeling seen, understood, and hopeful.
Having ADHD is hard.
There’s no sugarcoating it—your brain is basically a browser with 172 tabs open, and at least four of them are playing music. You’re thinking about the thing you forgot at the grocery store, that text you didn’t respond to three days ago, the new thing you’re super into this week, and oh look—a squirrel.
Focusing on one thing at a time? You mean people can actually do that?!.
You have to go back in the house no less than 4 times before leaving the house to make sure you have everything and YOU STILL FORGET SOMETHING!
You planned on getting a ton of stuff done but then you got sucked into something and lost all concept of time AGAIN!
And while that’s all tough on you—let’s talk about what it can do to your relationship.
Love, ADHD Style
If you’re married or in a long-term relationship and your partner relies on you for anything (so… most of us), you’ve probably had a version of this moment:
Your partner, standing in the kitchen, eyes tired, says:
"I feel like I don’t have any help around here."
And you, genuinely stunned, because you really thought you were doing your part, say:
“Just tell me what to do.”
But the problem is, asking for a step-by-step breakdown every time something needs to happen can make your partner feel more like your manager than your teammate. And chances are, they’re already exhausted.
Here’s the thing: most of us with ADHD genuinely want to help. It’s just that… there’s so much. So much that needs doing. So much that never really feels done. And no one handed us a manual on how to be an adult, run a household, raise tiny humans, and keep a relationship healthy—while our brain is constantly trying to chase dopamine like it’s a full-time job.
Even something like “clean the kitchen” can feel overwhelming.
Do you start with the dishes? The counters? The floor? What counts as “done”?
And maybe you were going to clean the kitchen… but then you saw that the dog needed food, and then you remembered the package you never opened, and now it’s two hours later and you’re organizing your junk drawer.
Oh Sh!t! I was supposed to clean the kitchen!
But your spoons are gone. You have nothing left so the kitchen is just going to have to wait another day.
But then your spouse who doesn’t understand how in the world the junk drawer is immaculate but the kitchen is still a disaster ends up doing it themselves.
They’re made and you feel like a failure. Talk about rejection sensitivity anyone?
So what do you do when your spouse is frustrated, telling you you're not pulling your weight—and you're genuinely trying, but feel completely stuck?
Dr. Ritchie specializes in psychological assessment and therapy for neurodivergent adults, with a focus on ADHD and Autism. She’s passionate about helping clients make sense of their experiences, access the services they need, and feel more empowered in their lives. Whether through assessment or therapy, she brings a creative, collaborative, and real-world approach—always aiming to meet people where they are and help them build a life that works for their brain, not against it.
Beyond her clinical work, Dr. Ritchie is active in community service and education. She serves as Testing Director at Jewish Family Services, supervises graduate students at Ponce Health Sciences University, and is President of the St. Louis Psychological Association. A sought-after speaker on neurodiversity and mental health, she’s been featured on podcasts, at conferences, and community trainings. Outside of her professional endeavors, Dr. Ritchie treasures time with her husband, two children, and loved ones. She enjoys reading, gardening, exploring the outdoors, traveling, and discovering local restaurants.Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Here Are Some Tips That Might Help (Speaking From Lived Experience)
🗓 Schedule a Weekly Check-In With Your Partner
Sit down together once a week and go over what’s coming up—appointments, school stuff, projects, etc.
Ask “What can I help with this week?” - Then write it down, and better yet—put it in your calendar with reminders. (Seriously, your phone is your friend.)
Ask your partner what’s bothering them. Work on listening and validating their emotions to start. When you get better at this you can start listening for ways you can help them without being asked.
📋 Take Ownership of a Few Key Tasks
Pick some things you can be 100% responsible for—no reminders, no micromanaging.
Start simple: Trash. Dishes. Kid pickup on Wednesdays.
Manage those things yourself and let them be yours.
🤖 Use AI (Yep, I Said It)
Tools like ChatGPT can help you break down vague or overwhelming tasks. If your partner asks you to do something like “Clean the kitchen” you give Chat GPT this prompt - Break this task into smaller concrete tasks for someone with ADHD- and the task will become a checklist like:
Load dishwasher
Wipe counters
Sweep floor
Take out trash
Way less scary, right?
📝 Ask What “Done” Looks Like (And Write It Down)
Your partner might say “clean the bathroom,” but what that means can be different for both of you.
Ask about their standards. Take pictures if needed. This isn’t patronizing—it’s setting both of you up for less frustration.
🔁 Follow Through With Repair
When things fall apart (because, yeah, they will sometimes), take responsibility without shame.
Say something like:
“I see how that impacted you. I want to do better next time. Let’s figure out how to make it easier for both of us.”
🧠 Help Your Partner Understand ADHD (Without Making Them Your Therapist)
Be open about what you struggle with.
Send a podcast or video that resonates.
Say what works best for you—text reminders, visual lists, calendar invites, whatever helps you show up.
💪 Work on Your Own Stuff
Managing ADHD is a full-time job—but it’s your job.
Journal.
See a neurodivergent-affirming therapist.
Try new strategies and routines.
This is about being the partner you want to be—not the one ADHD tries to derail.
So, let me speak from experience here: None of us are perfect partners! As someone with ADHD I regularly forget things my spouse asks me to do, snap when I’m overwhelmed, and worry about letting my hubby down.
I've also learned that having ADHD doesn’t mean I’m not a great partner. Here’s what it does mean for those of us who are neurodivergent:
You do have to find systems and supports that actually work for your brain—and talk openly with your person about how to meet in the middle.
You don’t have to carry the whole load, but you do have to learn how to carry your part — consistently, with care, and with a lot of grace for yourself along the way.
It’s not going to be easy or pretty all the time but commit to doing one or two of these things and communicate your efforts to your partner. Usually a little effort in a relationship can go a long way!
Stay tuned for Part 4, our final piece to the puzzle. Couples Therapist Katheryn Barton, LPC will be sharing the advice she offers all her couples.
