I Love You, But Please Do It Yourself
When I saw this on Facebook I had almost a physical reaction to it. I felt called out that particular day. A few days later in a conversation with a colleague she made an excellent point...this person isn't uncomfortable enough yet to make changes. (Mic drop) Yep, definitely called out.
When I saw this on Facebook I had almost a physical reaction to it. I felt called out that particular day. A few days later in a conversation with a colleague she made an excellent point...this person isn't uncomfortable enough yet to make changes. (Mic drop) Yep, definitely called out.
I'm a helper. Plain and simple. The love language that I speak fluently is acts of service. I love doing things for people to show them I love them. And I appreciate it when they are appreciative and happy with what I've done with that. That fills my love bucket.
I started a horrible habit when my husband and I started dating of doing his laundry and putting it away. (Don't judge me. Lol) HORRIBLE HABIT!! I say it's horrible because 14 years later do you think he's doing laundry and putting it away? Hell no! (I mean he is now because I had to break him of this habit again, but damn!) My good-intentioned act of service to show this man I love him quickly turned into slacker mode on him. I'm not trying to dog my husband by any means, he just happens to be a really good example of this meme.
Children are other good examples of expecting things without showing appreciation. My daughter would let me do EVERYTHING for her if I allowed it. We've had to break habits of this very thing as well. Long after she learned to dress herself, why was I still dressing her? I get it. Sometimes we don't have ten minutes for our kid to get their shoes on because...squirrel! Absolutely.
Sometimes our most well-intentioned actions create issues in our relationships. When someone expects something of you (ugh, I just hate typing that phrase in this context) , it's lost the meaning behind the action. If someone expects sex from you, it's no longer loving. If someone expects that you're going to pay for dinner, it's no longer loving. And some of the lesser offensive situations could be tolerable. But in all of it, when something is expected, it's tainted. The giver starts to feel taken advantage of, resentful, even angry. Those feelings are perfect if you want a crappy relationship.
Being expected to do something for someone causes so many icky feelings. It allows the other person to let go of ownership of certain responsibilities that lie with them. It creates a shifted power dynamic that doesn't need to exist. A relationship is a partnership. Two people. Sure, some might give a little bit more once in awhile, but the differential this expectation creates is too vast. The pressure it puts on the other person is unnecessary and most often unwanted. Remember those feelings of resentment and anger I mentioned earlier? Yep...right here.
The real kicker to all of this is how quickly this shift happens. Again, sometimes the most well-intentioned actions can become expectations in the blink of an eye.
Clear communication with your partner or loved one is key. Identifying how you feel in this situation is essential to shining a spotlight on how this differential has come to be and how to fix it.
As Madonna says "Express yourself." You have to say what you're feeling in order for the other person to understand how you're feeling and that what is happening is a problem. Remember your "I statements."
Don't talk about it in the heat of the moment. Bring it up another time when heads are clear.
Identify a solution. Allow the other person to be part of the solution. This will help them take back some ownership of the changes they need to make to help alleviate the issue.
Kiss and Make up. (This doesn't have to be literallly.) Repair the relationship if possible. Is the relationship damaged beyond repair? If so, this step may not be possible. If the relationship is reparable, then both of you make amends. Did we speak up quickly enough? Take responsibility for letting this simmer too long if that is the case. And allow your partner or loved one to make amends as well.
So, to sum things up...don't do your husband's laundry. Ever.
Just kidding!
